What is the Best (as in Funniest) Tasting Descriptor You've Heard?

I’m sitting here having a fairly decent California Cab - got inspired after today’s Cab thread - and had some leftover Chianti from last night sitting on the counter. My wife comes home from a school meeting regarding my errant son, and said immediately, “I need a drink”. I fully understand. Kids these days.

So I pour her the Chianti, secretely keeping the Cab to myself, and she says with an ugly face on:

"Tastes like Church wine".
I have no idea what that means, but this Chianti is rather lean and ascetic with a hint of mothball. She may have nailed it.

She cracks me up. Always. I call them Chrisyisms. Her name is Chris, of course.

Massively endowed!

Another Chrisyism . . .

It’s not supposed to give pleasure.

Smells like swamp ass.

You all hang out with much less vulgar people than I apparently do

‘This is tighter than a nun’s pu$$y!’

Perhaps, perhaps not.

This one just struck the right note on the funny bone, but lots of that is her personality and delivery. She amuses me, in an adoring sort of way.

Depends on how old is the wine and how old is the nun!!

Pre or post Trump?

My wife on a very bad bottle: “If I wanted to force myself to throw up, I’d drink that wine.”

Chris called my lovely Metras “horrid, rancid” once. It really was a lovely bottle.

Was that before or after “massively endowed”

This is music, not wine, but sometimes I’ve commented on dull “lifestyle jazz” type music that it sounds like something you would hear while you are on hold.

Something from David Strange.

…like the smell that emanates from a toilet after you have indulged in a little too much curry.

…and of course this one on Cellar Tracker describing the 1989 Prieure Lichine

Red Bordeaux Blend
Options8/9/2012 - BASQUEY WROTE: NR
Like the transient, transcendent beauty of the Iguazu falls; the stunning power of the almost alien Dettifoss; And the clay chalk bite of the Jim Jim, this wine also joins the ranks of those waterfalls, except the only similarity is that it is falling liquid over rock, and by falling I mean it HAS fallen. And by rock I mean its taste on the palate. Definitely fallen over, into what appears to be a floating barn. Maybe it’ll survive the fall and start swimming again? Maybe, maybe. Maybe one day you’ll rise up out of this body and take flight as the Cosmic Human? Maybe. Maybe one day you’ll fall over. Think about that.

Band-aid.

JSM 96/100

“One for laying down…and avoiding” - first coined by Eric Idle, circa 1970

“shepherdress”- as in short-hand for this infamous note - http://www.the-stupids.com/?p=1387