Seeking Advice: To be a snob or hold my tongue?

Warning- This is a long post. Feel free to ignore. I’m seeking parent advice. Mom is late-60s, Dad is mid-70s, both set in their ways. They have always been great appreciators of food; both are fantastic cooks, nearly every meal growing up was homecooked and enjoyed together. They drank wine, but the cheap stuff: Sutter Home, Barefoot, Carlo Rossi etc.

Their enjoyment of food has increased in retirement. Both regularly bake bread (funny seeing them try to outdo each other) and cook constantly. I receive photos of their dinner at least twice a week.

But somehow, their lack of wine appreciation has gotten even worse. With dinner, my mom now drinks generic diet cola mixed with Popov vodka. My father favors “red wine”. Emphasis on the quotes. Last time I visited, he was drinking something labelled American Pinot Noir out of a magnum sized bottle (bragged he bought it for $8) that had been open for over a week. It was the color of motor oil, tasted of burned rubber, asphalt, and pain. Absolutely undrinkable. Worst of all, he was guzzling it with this beautiful platter of fresh raw oysters. A worse pairing, I cannot imagine.

I’m careful to avoid being snobby around them- I’ve never said a negative word about their drinking habits- my attitude has been: if they enjoy it, fine. But, as people who love good food, I can’t help but think that they would enjoy a decent wine as a compliment to a meal. So, the next time they got oysters, I bought them a bottle of Muscadet. Hardly said a word about it, just that I thought they would enjoy it with the oysters. They asked how much I paid and were scandalized when I told them $13. They did in fact really enjoy it, but I didn’t hear the end of the “expensive” wine I bought for the rest of my trip.

So how should I proceed? Should I just say nothing? After all, they’re happy drinking the cheapo stuff. But, knowing them, I think they would really find enjoyment in wine if they would just stop buying the absolute cheapest crap available. It could give them a lot of pleasure, and I would get to avoid their horrid stuff whenever I visit (I typically abstain or have beer). I’d be happy to provide the wine myself, but they were so horrified at my “wasting” nearly $15(!) on a bottle of wine.

These are the people who gave me a great love of food. I want to enhance their own relationship with food if I can. But is it worth it? Advice?

Aside…can’t imagine their reaction if they knew the kind of stuff I buy for myself…

Say nothing. Ask what they are cooking and bring a good wine to match. If they ask why, say you want to compliment their cooking. Obfuscate if they inquire about cost. Pray it works.

I’m sorry to say it sounds like a hopeless case. Your dad grew up in the 60s, there wasn’t a lot of wealth around (or he wouldn’t react that way to a $13 bottle). The ‘how much did it cost???’ reaction is a strong one, really hard to overcome.

Or, you could try to lay it out rationally. Something along the lines of … budget impact of spending $10 more 3 times a week on a bottle of wine. That’s $120 a month. How does that affect their budget? Inconsequential? Or horrible? If not a big deal, you could sell it. Maybe.

By the way this has zero to do with snobbery. It’s all about getting more pleasure out of life. Simply.

You’re not going to ‘educate’ them at this point. They are clearly drinking just to be drinking and are not concerned with appearance or pairings. The Muscadet was a great call because they enjoyed it. That should be your goal. Enjoyment for everyone. Don’t make the cost an issue unless they do. Share good stuff and maybe they will get intrigued. If not, no big deal as long as everyone is enjoying themselves.

Frankly, there is some corner of me that wishes I could still be happy with the cheap stuff. I tell people regularly that if they are happy with it to keep drinking it unless they are really interested in learning more. It only gets more expensive. It doesn’t guarantee more enjoyment.

I’d say bring a good and suitable wine when there is an opportunity, and be evasive about the price, but otherwise don’t worry about it.

If $15 is a scandalous price (I get it, I have an 82 year old Chinese mother who grew up in poverty, she has plenty of money but gets great excitement finding bargains at the Dollar Store), you’re really never going to get them to buy good stuff.

But your heart is in the right place and I respect your thinking and yearning here.

Great post, Noah; your parents sound like a neat couple. My dad doesn’t drink (and it would absolutely thrill me if he did). But my mom would have a thimble of Jadot Beaujolais-villages (about $7/750ml then) a couple nights a week when I was growing up and the bottle might last her 3 weeks. Every now and then I’d get a sip and I didn’t catch on to wine for a good 5 years because I supposed it tasted largely like vinegar!

Fast forward a bit and I took her to Napa to try some of the producers I favor. We met such charming and lovely folk as Will Segui and Leah Smith, and tasted through a few board favorites. It was a total delight. Anyway, I think the trip brought her up to speed as to what good wine costs to produce. And she’s thrilled when I open bottles from Myriad or W&M now, because it suggests good memories, but she’s stopped asking me what things cost.

I’d offer to make your parents a deal: tell them they are in charge of food and you’ll bring something tasty to complement, they just can’t ask you about price…

Sounds like you want to bring them into your world. I can understand that as you want them to have an experience that you think they will appreciate beyond their current drinking. Be careful not to make them think that they are less sophisticated than they should be. I like the idea of bringing them wines to try and gauge the reaction. But you may want to transition slowly as older people do not accept drastic changes in taste easily. A fun challenge.

My dad was into Barefoot also. I just said, “I ain’t drinking that.” I would go to the lws and stock up on wines I would drink. He was offended at first but got over it.

Life’s too short and all that…

Agree with the other responses and I have “struggled” with the same dilemma myself.

Not much hope of your parents coming around with education, however I think they might enjoy and buy in to you passion of wine, seeing that it’s something important in your life. And through that enjoy the food and your passion to bring in wine to that experience together, all of you.

I like the suggestions mentioned to make it a thing with them sorting out the food and you the wine. Without cost being part of the wine conversation.

For our parents generation it is (or at least can be) shameful to “waist” money. They feel pride in saving but getting something good for the money. Spending gives a guilt feeling. Take away that aspect and I’m sure they will enjoy the experience of your passions meeting.

I sometimes open a few different bottles and do a blind tasting for my family to see what differences they pick up (and also to see what their real preference is rather than the Primitivo answer). Not knowing what’s served both opens the mind and challenge to reflection. Might leave them thinking about wine and see your hobby in a different light.

Perhaps not everyone enjoys that, but I always enjoy/ed that part with my family. My brother less so when at 14 I had him blind taste a food dish with liver and stomach which he really liked till he found out… Couldn’t fool him to taste cow tongue after that or any other food for that matter.

I bought my folks the following for xmas
6x [yellow tail] pinot grigio
3 x Wolf Blass Yellow label Malbec
3 x Wolf Blass Yellow label Cab Sav

Not wines I would buy for myself, but that is what they enjoy and more so than other wines they have tried. I’d rather them drink what they enjoy.

If offered a glass, I’d give any of them a try, as I’ve not tasted the Pinot Grigio and would be intrigued about RS levels, whilst it’s been more than two decades since I drank a Wolf Blass yellow label… what would I think of them now, and would I think the wines had changed, or indeed my tastes?

This is what I’ve done with my in-laws for years:

1. bring a bottle of mine to match to the food being served, but something I’m not heartbroken over if it gets drank really quickly and not appreciated as it should.
2. never intentionally bring up price, but sometimes my MIL will look things up and be scandalized, I let her react and then move on with other conversation.
3. don’t feel pressured to get them to ever understand, they don’t have to and you don’t need to make them
4. humor them and have that Popov w/ a splash of cranberry every once in a while to keep yourself grounded.

Oysters aren’t cheap. Did he harvest them himself?

I get this. I’ve had similar issues with my parents. A number of years ago my parent’s house had really fallen into disrepair, they’d stopped keeping up with the various problems and just let everything go. Finally they agreed to do the big repairs, redo the kitchen, etc, but only if they could get a good price (and their sense of price for this stuff is from the '60s or '70s!). I had them use a contractor that I’d used, and he gave them the estimate. My dad lost his mind, said the estimate was ridiculous, that the guy was both marking up prices and also doing things that were needless, and at that price no reno was going to happen. So I suggested to my dad that he negotiate with the contractor, call him up and work to a better price (my dad loved to negotiate price on everything). But before he could call, I called the contractor, told him my dad was going to call, and had him ‘lose’, offer a 50% discount on the price. And then send me the bill for the other 50%. My dad called me the next day, was thrilled that he’d been able to negotiate the 50% price cut, the reno was ‘on’ and this made him even happier about the reno.

So, why not send your parents a few cases of wine (2? 5?), each case marked for a particular type of food. Tell them that while these bottles sell for more, you got an amazing close-out deal of $5 per bottle? They’ll never know and everyone will be happy…

Hold tongue. Bring good wine, and good glasses. Don’t geek out.

My dad likes drinking the cheapest wine he thinks is decent at TJs. If I’m just stopping by he’ll offer me a glass but we have an understanding. He always has a Sierra Nevada product in the fridge, thanks that works for me. But he enthusiastically drinks and usually enjoys and never asks about the price of anything I bring. Don’t ask, don’t tell.

You are a good son. Enjoy your parents’ company and do your best to quietly accept their wine-quirkiness and cost-focus. At most, gently sneak in an unforced and non-judgemental wine comment or bring a bottle if/when the opportunity comes up. Avoid any cost talk as best you can.

I was going to ask a similar question. Food ingredients can also be cheap or expensive, depending on what you are cooking. If they are into food, are they also using bottom barrel ingredients? If not, you might want to approach the conversation from that angle as well: wine is just an ingredient in a holistic culinary experience.

This is very relatable and I think a common occurrence. People will see $20 price tag snd go whoaaa expensive. My father did business in the 90s in Australia and would fly yellowtail back home since it wasn’t available in our hometown.

I will give them a lot of credit though their palates aren’t bad but they clearly prefer wine in that $30 or less range. I brought 6 lbs of wagyu to Xmas dinner but was not going to tell them how much I paid for it. I agree with others that it’s okay just to let them enjoy what they enjoy.

A lot of berserkers seem to want to thumb their nose at people who don’t want to drink what they deem is a good wine. Snobbery should stay out of wine. New wine drinkers are turned off by that mentality.

Found the 50% discount to be very sweet actually and a creative way to solve an issue.

I’d bring whatever wine you think makes sense for the meal and just tell them you forgot what it costs if they ask you.

TJs has some good values, but you have to sift through a lot of . I’ve heard some good things about their rhone blend. I have a similar arrangement with my parents.

Just bring them gift bottles from one quality/price tier above what they buy for themselves, but in the same style of wine. Something they would recognize in the store where they shop.
Let them know how much you enjoy the food they make and how much you just want the best wine to go with it.
If you get past that, move up another tier.

I’d apply the KISS theory here. Just bring your good stuff and don’t bring up price. I did that with my MIL, who drank jug wine, but always loved what I brought. My parents are the exact opposite. If I don’t bring the high-end hooch, they call me out! They introduced me to fine wine and other lifestyle things, so my turn to spoil back.