I've decided to write a book

WINE TALK
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The working title is:

Everything you know about wine is wrong. How myth, superstition, and tradition have twisted your perception.

Here’s the intro:

Does the world really need another tiresome treatise on the overly self-indulgent topic of wine? Afterall, the world of wine is flooded with overblown, egotistical, narcissistic orators on the topic. From well-respected creaky old voices spouting musty old opinions mired down by the weight of time, to young acolytes presenting self-proclaimed revolutionary ideas that basically repackage the same stale dialog with a new, hipster-man-bun-scented spin. Change the color of the cover, swap in some fancy new buzz words, and then preach the same shit that’s been held up as unquestionable truth for century after century. Wine’s equivalent of lather, rinse, repeat. Ad nauseum. And therein lies what I feel is the gaping hole in the recursive narrative: never questioning all that dogma and conventional wisdom. I think it’s way past time that we pass our most sacred and cherished wine beliefs through the many faceted prisms of acquired knowledge, logic, and fucking common sense.

I promise to keep this short. It’s not because I don’t have a shit load of stuff to say (and complain about). It’s just that no matter how witty, pithy, funny, insightful, and undoubtedly thought provoking my sparkling narrative is, more than an hour or two of reading anything about wine could be classified as torture. And I’m pretty sure prohibited under the international humanitarian laws outlined in the Geneva Conventions.

Just to be clear, it’s not my goal to ruin your appreciation of wine. Actually, quite the opposite. I truly think that wine is magical. It can transport you to faraway places and conjure up a myriad of feelings and memories of special times. It brings people together like few other things can. Wine is a never-ending journey of learning and discovery. It’s passion in a bottle. And it can be damn tasty. It’s just that there’s often too much baggage that comes with wine that gets in the way of understanding and appreciating the real truth. Baggage that can prevent you from enjoying it as much as you could and should. Or even limit you developing a relationship with wine at all.

Before I start, one word of warning. If your persona revolves about a relationship with wine that you would hate to have questioned or altered, then maybe this is a good time to pass on reading further. I would hate to break up such a great romance. This begs the question; how would you know if you fit into that category without reading what I have to say? Here’s a simple test. If you’re the type of person who believes that magicians actually saws their lovely assistants in half and then miraculously reassembles them, then I’d say you should put this book down now. But if you understand it’s not mystical at all, and you can instead appreciate being amazed by the skill and creativity involved with creating and presenting such an amazing experience… then buckle up. You’re in for an interesting ride.

TOPICS I cover include… corks, bag in box, biodynamics, natural wine, non-intervention, non-irrigation, blind tasting, old wine, special bottles, terroir, old vines, native yeast, fermentation vessels, winemakers as rock stars, and more…

I’ll post some of the more controversial bits. I’ve been feeling kinda feisty lately, so I thought I’d shake things up a bit.

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Here’s an example:

CORKS

Probably the easiest Myth, Superstition, and Tradition based sacred cow to put out to pasture. Or should be the easiest. But no other topic will clearly show Myth, Superstition, and Tradition’s ability to affect and twist our belief system. The truth?

CORKS ARE FUCKING STUPID

Absolutely, totally, fucking, STUPID. They simply fail far too often and are too variable to be a viable closure for wine. Yet the myth that corks are the only acceptable closure for fine wine persists, and therefore the tradition of using them is one of wine’s most fervently held beliefs. To be fair, at one time, corks were a reasonable solution that worked within the limitations of the technology of the day. There was a time when glass blowing couldn’t produce a consistently perfect bottle neck, thus necessitating a closure that could account for that. But that was over 300 FUCKING YEARS AGO. You’d think we’d have come up with something better in all that time, right? And the answer is… Of course we did! Something way better.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the screw cap.

Who knew that Ernest and Julio Gallo were such visionaries. By every measure of form, fit, and function, the screw cap is VASTLY superior to cork. And yet, people resist. And not just resist, but demand corks be used.

The two major arguments for using corks are that they are necessary for aging wine, and (something I’ll never understand) the pomp and circumstance of opening the bottle. The first argument is that corks permit wines to be exposed to small amounts of oxygen as they age, which allows them to develop all those secondary and tertiary flavors that people claim they love so much. Second, that there’s a certain ceremonial romance about the process of opening a bottle of wine sealed with a cork.

The problem with these arguments is that cork provides the desired result about as often as a hitting a gutshot straight on the river in Texas Holdem. Sorry for the dose of reality cork fans. Do yourself a solid and fold that corked hand, because there’s no bluffing when it comes to wine.

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a recent article on this topic, shared with me yesterday by the one and only @Rodrigo_B

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I kind of love it, Brian. With that said, is anyone who loves wine going to come away from reading it feeling like a f*cking moron? Is there no saving grace in there for a wine enthusiast? Or is everything we all do just plain stupid?

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Shall we take a roll call?

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Maybe a little more text will help:

When I talk about these Myths, Superstations, and Traditions, you need to remember that I was a devoted, unquestioning believer. And that me questioning them now isn’t without understanding them. But knowledge acquired through experience has made me rethink many of them.

At the same time, I’m not narcissistic enough to pretend that what I present herein is the absolute truth. I’m no Oracle. Rather just a grumpy old guy looking to vent a bit. These are only my thoughts and opinions. And if yours differ that’s cool. Rather than reading this thinking that I’m asking you to trust me and abandon all your beliefs, maybe think of it as me giving you permission to allow your beliefs to evolve. Except when it comes to corks. On that issue I’d dead nuts right.

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:laughing: Very nice. I could of course modify that statement to read “the world of wine is flooded with overblown, egotistical, narcissistic winemakers”. Me included.

Like I said… I wanted to shake things up a bit. I’ve been bored…

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Isn’t cost a big reason many wineries are using cork or DIAM rather than moving to screwcap? (especially for smaller producers where buying new closure equipment is a big investment)…

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Actually screw caps are much cheaper than corks or DIAM. Most wineries, especially small wineries, don’t have their own bottling equipment. Like us, they have a mobile bottling line come to their location to bottle. The mobile lines have the necessary equipment to bottle with cork or screwcap. If you consider the cost of cork and capsule, screwcaps can save about $1 per bottle.

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How about another topic - one sure to make you think I’ve lost my mind:

BAG IN A BOX

Cardboard-eaux? Seriously? What a joke, right? If it was hard to get folks to accept screw caps, then bag in a box is another level of difficulty. And yet, it may be the BEST packaging for everyday drinking ever conceived. Sadly, like the screw cap was initially, it has been relegated to cheap, bulk wines. What I think needs to be done is to ditch the 3 litre format and go to a 1 litre size. And then “box” higher end wines. Imagine having a “by the glass” program at home without any fancy systems. Maybe a high-end Cabernet, Pinot, and Syrah on your kitchen counter, and a Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc, and Viognier in the fridge. Want a glass of Chardonnay while cooking dinner and a glass of Cab with the steak you prepared? No problem. Your spouse feels like something different? No problem as well. The bag keeps the wine fresh for weeks, if not months. No loss due to oxidation. No compromising on what you prefer. Just want you want and the perfect amount. The bag in box format would revolutionize how people drink wine at home. You could buy better wine since you know you won’t be pouring any out at the end of the week. Even restaurants could upgrade their “by the glass” program due to no loss, and zero cost to implement. What could be more perfect?

Of course, Myth, Superstition, and Tradition get in the way. Aside from the obvious issues of not being in a bottle, and no cork, there would be another (probably) insurmountable issue with the bag in a box format. One so deeply ingrained in wine culture that even me hinting at it will send a shiver down the spine of all wine lovers…

The liners would require that the package has…

wait for it…

wait for it…

an expiration date.

I know. I know. Even though the VAST majority of wine purchased in the United States is consumed withing weeks, if not days or even hours of purchase, the psychological impact of being FORCED to drink the wine within a year or two would probably be too much to overcome. Seriously, it’d be violating everything you’ve been taught about wine. Despite making so much sense.

Since there’s probably no way in Hell any of us will live long enough to see bag in a box become de rigueur, I can at least pass along a life hack that will save you lots of money and loss of wine. If you do have leftover wine, don’t waste money on those gas cylinders or vacuum pumps. The BEST way to store the wine is to pour it into an empty 500ml water bottle that you then scrunch down to push the wine to the top of the bottle thereby removing any head space, and then pop on the cap. Toss in the fridge to also slow oxidation and the wine will keep for weeks. You’re welcome.

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Solid gold so far, Brian. As a congenital skeptic/iconoclast, I’m loving it.

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My wife has been drinking Bota Box SB and its GOOD! It comes out to $5/btl and stays fresh. So much less waste.

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I’m sure the Bota Box SB is great - but I’m thinking along the lines of wines like yours or mine. High end stuff. Or (for example) a box each of Saxum Rocket Block, ROAR Rosella’s Pinot, Schrader Cabernet, Ramey Ritchie Chardonnay, Dönnhoff Riesling, etc available by the glass at home. $50 to $200 a box. Yep. $50 to $200 a box. Totally radical. And restaurants could COMPLETELY change what wines they offer by the glass - and LOWER prices since the won’t have to get the full cost from the first glass.

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kobayashi did a box release this year.

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Where’s the obligatory “OK Boomer”?

Good stuff Brian!

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Are we going to get some Wine (Kitchen) Confidential inside stuff?

I very much echo your thoughts on bag in a box. Always made so much more sense to me and now that everybody is freaking out over glass, corks, labels, even youth who won’t drink wine ect ect it has to start to make some sense for wineries looking to try something different.

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I’m here for this. More please!

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V’s Taproom, our local restaurant has always had decent wines on tap. Currently Tap Wine 2 off
long meadow ranch, napa valley, ca willamette valley vineyards, willamette valley matchbook, dunnigan hills, ca el rede malbec mendoza, ar

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But what about the microplastics?

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Are we going to get some Wine (Kitchen) Confidential inside stuff?

Sadly, no. Not that I don’t have some great stories… it’s just that they’re mostly not mine to tell. Maybe in a small group after lots of drinks, but not in a book. Because they aren’t about me. I’m really boring. Someone like Bourdain lived the stories he told. I just watched them unfold or heard about them second hand. It’d be unfair to put those stories in print. And truthfully none are as crazy as Bourdain.